Can we start 2007 again?? Or where is God, anyway?

Monday, March 12, 2007...

Whoever said you shouldn't go to bed angry had some really good advice. There were a number of reasons why I was so upset before going to bed last night: I was exhausted to begin with and then it took me TWO HOURS to get Hope down for bed. Once I got her down, I got up to do something and bit Mark's head off about something. So I went to bed exhausted and upset, which is never a good combination. Well, that just means I woke up angry this morning and it's pretty much stayed with me throughout the day. Oh...and I'm still exhausted. Hope decided to wake up in the middle of the night again. She must be cutting teeth or having growing pains or something. So here I am at work, trying to get some things done and I can't concentrate. Today is a wash. Maybe going to the gym and working out will help lighten my mood.

Has anyone else's 2007 gotten off to a rocky start?? A job lay off for my husband, a few deaths both of family members and close friends, well, it's not been a good one so far for us. I'll confess that about a month ago (a month ago today as a matter of fact) we got some news that made me so angry that I pretty much shut down on God. I've been so faithful, so patient, so hopeful through all of the job stuff with my husband. It's been going on for 4 years now...employed, not employed. Employed, not employed. Totally not his fault though. The job he was at for 17 years merged with another company in 2003 and in that merger everyone in his department lost their jobs. UGH!!! So we've been on this rollercoaster since that time. And a month ago ws the final straw for me. The kicker is that I had to figure out how I could teach confirmation to this group of 6-8 graders and teach them that there's a loving God who provides for all their needs while I was not really believing that to be the case....at least not in my life. I felt like God had totally turned His back on us. Now I knew in my heart that wasn't the case, but it sure felt like it was. It took me a while before I would pray again. Even now I have to confess that my heart isn't totally into my prayers like they used to be. The really good thing in all of this is I know, in my heart of hearts, that God is still there. That he really does provide. So we will continue to be faithful and patient and ride the rollercoaster that is life. I just pray that much of this stress ends soon because there are moments I feel like I'm right on the edge...right at the very end of my rope. I fell like I'd like to run away. Just for a little while. Just to think, to relax, maybe to have a margarita (or maybe even two). I just need a little refreshing. Anyone else feel the same??

Here's the kicker though. Just when I was at the height of my "God doesn't exist" phase, one of my closest friends came over with a pile of books and CDs that she and her hubby got at a youth ministry conference they had just been to (isn't it nice they remembered me??). In the stack of stuff was this green envelope. Being that this particular friend (and her hubby) are pastors, and being that they knew Mark and I were going through a rough spot with this job crap, I thought it was just a "thinking of you" card and I was going to read it later. She pointed to the envelope though and said, "I need that back." So I opened it right away. When I saw what was inside I just started crying. It was an ultrasound picture of their unborn baby. She was, at the time, 9 weeks pregnant!! The reason that the timing on this is so perfect is because they have been trying for almost 10 years to have children. Two years ago the doctors told them that they wouldn't be able to have their own kids. This is such an incredible miracle...one that could only happen by the hand of, dare I even say it, God! So God, in his infinite wisdom, showed me once again that he does indeed exist. That he does indeed care. That his timing is indeed perfect. So I'm learning very slowly to let go and let him do his job....something he loves to do: take care of his children.

I'm done with my sermon now. Good thing I'm a member of an ELCA congregation now. In the Missouri Synod I never would have been able to preach. hehehe

Thanks for reading this. There will be more to come. There will be lots more talk about our daughter Hope who is the center of our universe. Oh...and pictures, too. She is, afterall, the cutest baby in the entire world.