January 25th marked the 8th anniversry of my Dad going to heaven. That day has been a difficult day for me for 8 years now. No matter how many years go by, I always get "blue", anxious and even more difficult to live with around that date every year. And it just sneaks up on me. You wouldn't think, after this many years, that it would. It just shows that time can ease the pain, but the longing for someone you love never truly goes away. I was fortunate to have 67 years with my Dad, but in my opinion, that was not enough years. I wish he would have been here to meet Mark and to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. I wish he were here at Christmas time so we could watch "A Christmas Story" together, over and over again, like we used to do. I wish I could get up on Sunday morning and hear him laughing as he was watching The Three Stooges. I wish he were here to know his Granddaughter, Hope. Man would he love that girl!!! Death is a tough thing to deal with. Suicide is even more difficult. Some of you know, others don't, that my Dad took his own life. I guess the "silver lining" in this case is that he had been so ill for so long (almost 20 years) that none of us can really blame him for making the decision he made. I know it must have been an agonizing decision for him because he loved life and he loved his family. I also have the feeling he talked about this many, many times with his Savior. Mom said that the last weeks, months before he died he would study his Bible in the morning and at night. I think he was looking for an answer. I truly believe that he came to peace with God about his decision. So for 8 years now Dad has been healthy and whole and for that I'm so thankful. Whenever I hear the song "I Can Only Imagine," I think of Dad and what his reaction was when he met Jesus 8 years ago. I always cry when I hear that song, too.
So, happy 8th anniversary in heaven, Dad. I love you. I miss you. I think of you every day. Please take good care of the baby that I lost before I had Hope. Give him/her a big hug from his/her Mommy and tell him/her that I love him/her very much.
PS...If there happens to be anyone out there that reads this and is thinking about committing suicide...PLEASE GET HELP!! It doesn't just involve you. It's not just your decision. It involves all those who love you. You might be ending your pain, but you're giving pain that will last a lifetime to those around you. There is help.
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Hey Mel - Oh my goodness! What a heartfelt post. I know that I've talked with you about your Dad before and please know that I'll listen again any time. I have a good ear. :) And, though he's not with us for the earthly parties, I am POSITIVE that Hope's grandpa DOES love her. His legacy will live in her as she learns about her Grandpa from you. Keep telling your stories and sharing your memories.
Blessings and Peace to you dear - B
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